Failure to Launch

Everything is ready, why can’t I just go for it?!

Dear Lovely Readers,

This is a pretty personal one and I’m not even sure what I want to say, so I’m just going to start and see what happens…

I have been busy behind the scenes working on a number of creative projects, whilst simultaneously continuing the work I do regularly to try and ‘fix’ my inner critic and self-doubt – something that has plagued me for many years unfortunately – Although, I did finally build enough courage to share this sketch of a lion the other day, that I drew last week and the response blew me away to be honest. ❤️

After many years of therapy and introspection, I have come to realise that I do (and always have done) this self-sabotage thing whenever I get close to reaching my goals. Apparently, it’s to ‘protect myself’ from things going wrong… as they did often when I was younger… which you can read about HERE later if you wish.

So, I make things go wrong first by self-sabotaging, so that I have control over the inevitable failure or drastic turn of events that are out of my control. Yes, very strange, but very true… the subconscious mind is a powerful thing! What makes it even worse now, is that I have continued this unhealthy pattern of behaviour, even after learning what I have! Which makes me feel like an even bigger failure because, well, I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING!! 🤦🏽‍♀️😆

So, here I am again, teetering on the edge of reaching a big goal of mine – to build a business providing editing and proofreading services to writers – There, I’ve said it! Phew!

I’m qualified, experienced and I’ve even built a website and everything! 👏  All I need to do is tell people about it and start promoting my services – Yikes!! This makes me cringe for a number of reasons, let’s take a look at these shall we…

1. I have to ‘promote’ myself!

This means talking positively about my skills and all that yucky stuff… Eeeew! 🙈😳 I can’t bear it!

2. What if people laugh at me?

This is where my inner critic pipes up and starts saying things like ‘Ha, you… a proofreader, what a joke!’ and ‘What makes you think you’re good enough to do that!’ and ‘It won’t last, you’ll fuck it up at some point, you always do.’ Lovely guy, we really should hang out more! 😉

3. What if I fail?

Well, yes this is always a possibility, but not doing it is also kind of failing so that smashes that one out of the park… NEXT!

4. What if I succeed?

Ah, now this is probably the scariest one. If I actually happen to do well, get some decent and regular clients and start building something successful, I’ll have to keep it going! I have to show up, continue to show up and be reliable and consistent… Yikes! I mean, I know I can do those things, but it takes away control. It forms unpredictability and means change – lots of change. 😬

5. What is so scary about change?

This is a funny one, because I have actually been known in the past to moan about nothing changing… I’ve expressed FEAR at the thought of everything staying the same and monotonous. I guess it’s that feeling of knowing where you are, what you’re doing and having a comfortable routine.

6. Having to leave my comfort zone!

And finally, another big one, breaking out of my comfort zone! Why is the thought of this (when I have specifically stated that staying in it is more scary) so terrifying? Well, I guess when you lump it together with the others, it’s a lot.

Some things that I’m hoping will help

There are a number of things that I have done (and plan still to do) that I believe will help me leave all these worries behind and finally launch my new business – Eeeek, ‘my new business’ I even feel uncomfortable saying that… WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

1. Writing down all my concerns and fears and tell people about them ✔️ Yay! One down!

2. Keep pushing myself to feel uncomfortable, by sharing more of my art/designs and vulnerable writing pieces.

3. Re-visit Emma Gannon’s brilliant book Sabotage – One of many of her awesome books! Thank you, Emma 💛

4. Continue to utilise some of the wonderful resources here on Substack to build my confidence and quiet Mr. Inner C**t – Sorry, I mean Critic – Such as Kate Harvey’s fabulous Letters from Therapy Podcast and Suzie Walker’s wonderful Heart Leap Club Both of which have helped me enormously already – Thank you Kate and Suzie 💛

5. Read The Discomfort Zone by the gorgeous Farrah Storr which has been sitting on my bedside table for a couple of weeks now – I’m worried it might cause me discomfort… which I do realise is the whole point! 😆

6. Write a post introducing my services and website – which incidentally is HERE just in case you fancied a peek – I also thought I could offer some free editing/proofreading to writers on here, in exchange for a testimonial for my website. What do you think?

Right, that’s me for now… Looks like I’ve got some work to do, so I’d better hop to it! Wishing you all a pleasant rest of the weekend and thanks for being here… and for reading to the end. 😘