Am I Too Happy?

The surprising obstacles that WE put in our OWN way and why I did just that for too many years!

Photo by Jamie Brown on Unsplash

Over the last ten years or so, I’ve been making notes and observations about our cycles of behaviour and the choices we keep making that aren’t serving us well. We hear about ‘Success Blockers’ a lot in the self-development world and it’s a term I’m sure that most are familiar with. Just in case some are not, and to create clarity for those who are, I have pulled a great explanation from something I found online.

“We have both inner and outer blocks toward success. When we deal with outer blocks (Left Brain thinking) it is usually because of money, time, resources, education, etc. To remove the outer blocks, you could take some classes, create a payment plan, or create an action plan/strategy to work through the process.

Inner blocks (Right Brain thinking) tend to be more focused on fear, guilt, perceptions, self-doubt, assumptions, anger, conflict. A great self-awareness exercise is to journal about times when you second guess yourself whether that be with a promotion, a compliment, etc. It will give you insight as to why and what you are doing to limit your full potential.

In reality, most blocks have an inner component and it is up to us to dig a little deeper to uncover where that comes from and get to the core of it. That is much easier said than done! It takes courage and resiliency to go within and understand what holds you back.”

WIM Empowered Website

For me personally I’ve always been great at removing those outer blocks. Those actionable, practical solutions have never really been an issue for me. There’s an obstacle, I figure out how to get past it, set some goals and go for it. However, those inner blocks, they are a force to be reconned with. Ooof! So, this is what I’m really here to talk about. Why, when we’ve actioned those outer blocks so successfully, do we still find ourselves failing or giving up?

For many years I struggled to figure out what was stopping me. My path was clear, the goals to remove the outer blocks were met, there was nothing in my way, what was holding me back? I would find myself making excuses like “I can’t do that now, I’ve got a baby on the way” or “my husband needs my support” or “my family needs me”. All very admirable excuses of-course… how convenient. Then it hit me… if I was honest… there was really nothing in my way except for ME! So, as the advice says; “it is up to us to dig a little deeper to uncover where that comes from and get to the core of it”. I got to work.

What I discovered was interesting to say the least, but also a little surprising. I’ve decided to share my personal experience in the hope that perhaps someone might relate and/or find it helpful in some way. I believe strongly that being as open and honest as possible and by sharing our experiences, we can comfort and support others and perhaps give them the confidence or strength they need to take that next step. Or, at the very least, to not feel so alone.

As stated above; “Inner blocks tend to be more focused on fear, guilt, perceptions, self-doubt, assumptions, anger and conflict.” Funnily enough a few of those came up and, for me, the biggest ones were guilt, self-doubt and fear. Fear of what? What could the thought of succeeding in my dreams possibly make me fearful of? Fear of failure perhaps… nope, fear of success itself, it turns out. It just so happened that after delving into this voyage of self-discovery, one of the things I was most scared of was actually succeeding. Because that would mean having to keep it up… to continue to be confident and successful, constantly striving to be the best I can be, to turn up and keep turning up, to be WAY out of my comfort zone.

So, instead of pushing myself past the 'uncomfortable' phase of moving forward, I made excuses to stay where it was 'comfortable', where it felt familiar and safe, where I felt confident and knew what I was doing… caring for children and being a mum. The question I was then forced to ask myself was; How long will I hide behind the smoke screen of being a nanny, a mum and a childminder, because that is viewed as worthwhile and gives me a purpose and a distraction? The answer… as long as I kept believing the constant barrage of negative self-chatter.

That voice in my head telling me… "You’re not good enough", "you’re not smart enough”, "people will laugh at you", "who do you think you are", "you think you're so good", "think you've got it all worked out", "stop being a know it all", "people don't want to hear it", "don't be silly", "you’ll embarrass yourself”, "they don't want you", "you'll fail", "you don't deserve it"!! Wow, that is a lot. That is one nasty inner critic! But where does it come from? I’m pretty sure nobody has actually said ANY of those things to me... not about this and certainly not in my adult life. In any case, there it was, and there it remained for many, many years.

Fear and self- sabotage were doing a pretty good job by themselves at this stage, but there was something else holding me back, something big, perhaps the worst of them all - Guilt. As I delved deeper, it soon became apparent that I seemed to be feeling guilty about rather a lot. Things I wasn’t even aware of, things you might not think of, surprising things. As the years went by and I was working hard, really hard, on overcoming the afore mentioned issues around fear and that pesky inner critic, it became harder and harder to ignore these feelings of guilt. But what were they about? Where did they come from?

A little background…

I grew up in a lovely area in Surrey, England with a fantastic hands-on mum and a kind and caring dad (who worked a lot and wasn’t around much – but that was kind of the norm back then I guess). My sister is the eldest, then my brother, then me. We largely had a happy childhood, lots of freedom to play and explore, plenty of neighbours to play out with (back when it was safe to do that). We didn’t have a lot of money, but we had enough for the odd holiday here and there, we were happy and we had a lot of fun. As we grew older, my sister naturally stopped playing and got on with being a teenager, but me and my brother were inseparable, always had been. We would play for hours, building dens or hanging out in the tree house watching planes, or making home movies with our camcorder (god, I sound so old right now)!

Then, my brother got older, but still we kept on hanging out. He didn’t seem to have many friends, but that worked out well for me, so I didn’t really give it much thought. We would build things, create and perform magic shows for our parents, play computer games… endless hours of fun. But something wasn’t right, the atmosphere shifted, moods changed, conflict occurred more frequently, my brother seemed to be struggling. With what I wasn’t sure, but the anger outbursts were scary. I was frightened, I didn’t understand what was happening to my best friend. Was he ok? Had I done something wrong? Why was my sweet, kind and thoughtful brother behaving like this? What was wrong with him? I was so confused… I desperately wanted to help, but how? I felt helpless, but worse than that, my parents didn’t seem to know what was happening either. “He’s just a teenage boy”, “don’t worry, he’ll settle down”, “everything will be fine” – all said with the best of intentions of-course. But it wasn’t fine, it never really was fine ever again. What felt like overnight, I lost my best friend. My brother was there, but he wasn’t himself, something had taken hold of him, scrambled him up and made him all weird and scary. Something I now know to be mental illness, of what kind, it is still not clear to me to this day.

The years went on, the conflict took hold, the unpredictable and sometimes frightening behaviour continued. The health professionals did their best, my parents did their best. Mental illness was still so largely misunderstood back then, there was little hope. My parents fought through the years trying to deal with each hurdle, each challenge, each tragedy with what little tools they had. As for me, well I dissolved into the background. I made myself quiet and less visible, patiently observing, keeping myself busy, making sure I didn’t create any more problems for my parents. The calm would arrive and I would emerge, ready to comfort and soothe, to listen and try to bring joy and positivity. I became the fixer, the voice of reason, the glue that held us together. I had a purpose, they needed me.

So, why would having success in my life make me feel guilty? Well, it turns out there were a few reasons. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the most prominent of which was the guilt of having success and happiness in my life, when my brother doesn’t get to. Why do I get to enjoy life when he has to deal with so much turmoil and heart ache? How dare I be happy when my elderly parents are still battling their way through the challenges of caring for my brother? It took a lot of years and a lot of therapy to work that one out.

It all boils down to choice, we all have a choice. Everyone is where they are because of the choices they’ve made. Now bear with me on this one, I can hear a lot of “it wasn’t my choice to get cancer” or “I didn’t get a choice when xyz happened to me”. Just like I didn’t get a choice when the brother I knew and loved more than anyone was taken from my world. Just like I didn’t get a choice when I myself got cancer, or when I got my diagnosis of a life long autoimmune disease. However, we do still have a choice as to how we respond to those challenges. How much help we ask for, how many adjustments we make, whether or not we utilise the resources available to us, and whether we fight or give up.

Our loved ones have a choice too, about how much they let it affect them, how involved they choose to be. You can be a good friend or family member, you can support, listen and be there for people, but ultimately it is down to them to make changes if they want or need to. Just like it is up to my brother to choose to use the resources available to him to help him get better, instead of hitting the self-destruct button over and over and over again. How it is also up to my parents to choose how much they continue to try to ‘help’ my brother well into his adult years, instead of setting him free to learn for himself. Allowing themselves to make the best of the years they have left, because they deserve it.

We all have a personal responsibility to make the best choices for our own individual circumstances. Every person also has a choice to protect their own wellbeing with clear boundaries and kind explanations. A choice that I finally made when I just couldn’t take any more of the pain, destruction and chaos that followed me well into my thirties. A choice I made in order to break the cycle of destruction and protect mine and children’s mental wellbeing. A choice that meant I had to distance myself from the source of this pain. A choice I slowly and carefully made clear around three years ago, when I last spoke to my brother.

Now, on a lighter note, it turns out I was feeling guilty about a couple of other things too. These were the slightly surprising things I was talking about, one of which was - making money. Strange one I know, I mean I’m not even sure how much money I’m capable of making. Anyway, it turns out I felt that if I succeeded and earned good money, then I would be buying into a part of society which I really don't like. The part where having money means you can enjoy life and be happy. But then I realised, it’s not the money that brings happiness (not for me anyway), it’s the success. The contact with interesting people, the relationships, the sense of achievement, the purpose, self-worth and value, believing in yourself. That is what brings the happiness! Money is just a bi-product of that and how the world happens to work. Ironically, I needn’t have worried about that anyway. Now that I am finally succeeding and reaching my dream of becoming a writer, money is the one thing I am not getting out of my success. Not yet anyway 😉

And finally…

Is it just me or does anyone else ever feel like they’re “too happy” for people sometimes? I often get the feeling that some people don’t like seeing others happy… like life should be all about working hard, paying the bills and missing out on all the fun. Like we're somehow a bad person or ‘selfish’ or ‘lazy’ if we find a way to enjoy life. I mean, is it really such a bad thing to find a way to actually ENJOY life?! Are people jealous if someone can juggle life and all the things that are thrown at them and still be happy? Are they envious that I have found a balance that lets me work and be with the children in the amounts that suit me and works for us?

I find myself thinking things like; “I’d better dull it down a bit... make sure I 'fit in' by having stress, struggles and unhappiness in my life.” God forbid we actually enjoy life and get the balance right! It’s almost like if we're not struggling, we don't fit in! What is it about society that can make us feel so bad about being happy or successful that we actually stop ourselves from doing it? Is it society generally though, or is closer than that? Is it friends, circumstances, family, upbringing, schools, attitudes, etc... What is it for you? What stops you from taking the steps to get to where you really want to be? The answers might surprise you too.