Eye Twitches & Social Itches

Yes,

Lauren Powell

this is another avoidance piece! 🙈😆

As some of you already know, there is a controversial subject matter I’ve been dying to write about, but I’m scared of the potential backlash, so keep putting it off. So, yesterday, as I was stuck in Farnham ‘lunchtime traffic’* trying to get to the fucking dentist on time, it came to me… Yes! It’s time for another “ranty”* rampage - a “RANTpage” if you will... see what I did there? Takes three sharp inhales of breath in Sheldonesque manner* and congratulates self on geniusness 🤣

If you missed my first hilariously funny “RantPage”, you can read it HERE

On Thursday night this week, I was lucky enough to meet with a few fellow Substackers, at an impromptu dinner/drinks event in Covent Garden at Seven Dials (which I thought sounded a bit like a telephone switch board of sorts😆) Anyway, as it was my first time meeting anyone else from Substack, I suddenly got all nervous and sweaty and started panicking about what to say to all of them. Luckily I had a two hour train journey with which to ‘stalk’ them all online and try to remember names, faces, publications, etc... Don’t worry, this is not usual behaviour for me and I am of-course joking when I say ‘stalk’ and definitely DO NOT mean it in the literal sense of the word. Phew! 😉

So, by the time I get there I’m a little calmer… but, fuck me, I forgot how hot and sweaty the London Underground is!! 🥵 It reminded me of

Jess Pan

’s book, “Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come”, which I’m currently reading and highly recommend by the way. She talks about how in London…

“if you talk to a stranger in public, they look at you like you’ve slapped them in the face” and goes on to say that “only Americans and unhinged people talk to strangers” 🤣 It’s so true!

When travelling through London, you have to exist in your own little bubble, where it is perfectly acceptable to be glued to your phone and not in any way considered rude. In fact, if you are NOT staring at your phone/book/newspaper, you might then be considered rude... or weird… or even a pervert! It’s strange how we’ve all accepted this fact and fallen in line without question. As Jess so eloquently puts it…

“During rush hour in cities, we all stand squashed on public transport, essentially spooning, in total silence. Sure, I’ll shove my face into your armpit, but talk to you? Never.”

So, calmer, but now drenched and bright red - having tackled the intense heat, the crowds and many many fuck wits… meandering like stoned sloths, taking up the whole bloody pavement - I have now arrived at the venue. Oh god, I’m early!! I’m the first one here! I’m NEVER early… what do I do?! I’m suddenly very aware that the eye twitch I’ve had, on and off, over the last few days seems to be very active… can anyone see it? What if someone thinks I’m winking at them? Oh good grief, this is not a good start. I am now a sweaty tomato, dressed in patchwork dungarees, looking confused and friendless, winking at anyone who looks in my direction. Fabulous!

Social Faux Pas

To be honest, I thought there would be many of these to tell of, after this highly awkward and stressful social situation. Besides the entirely NOT subtle stumbling through the doorway… There were the usual ones of-course… do we go for the wave, the hand shake, the kiss or the hug? If we go for the kiss, is it one cheek or two? What if you go for the hand shake and they go for the hug (or vice versa) and you end up becoming far more familiar with each other than either of you wanted! 😳 Then, there was the sudden onset of inability-to-get-drink-to-meet-with-one’s-lips… which inevitably led to the “Ha ha, I need a bib” joke being made on more than one occasion 🤦🏽‍♀️🙄 There were the name mix ups, awkward silences and eating in front of new people - leading to abnormally slow and careful hamster-sized nibbling of food, that STILL got stuck in my teeth/down my front - but hey ho, such is life.

The big one though - the kind that makes you want to immediately shrink down to the size of a tiny mouse and scurry away into a dark corner - happened when I was getting a drink at the bar. I have no idea what happened or even what I was ACTUALLY trying to say, but when the barman handed me my lovely cold glass of Pinot Grigio Blush with ice (my absolute fav) the next words that fell forth from my gob, were… “Love you”!!!!! Whaaaaaaaaat!!! Oh my god, did I really just say that?! Did he hear me? Did he say anything back? What do I do now?! You idiot Eva, what is wrong with you!! With all these thoughts rushing frantically through my head, I scurry back to the wonderful bunch of ladies I had met that evening. I take a deep breath and think to myself… Well, fuck it, it can’t get much worse than that 🤷🏻‍♀️ Turns out it made a pretty funny story in the end 😊

Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash

A huge thank you to

Emma Gannon

and

Farrah @Substack

for a fabulous and interesting interview… to

Claire Venus

and

Emma Simpson

for organising our little get together, and to all the other lovely and inspiring ladies who I had the pleasure of meeting…

Lauren Powell

,

Kate Darracott

, (why does this feel like an acceptance speech? 🎤😆)

Kate Harvey

,

Emma C.

,

Anna Nuttall

,

Una

,

Amy Beeson

,

Natalie Lue

and

Ruth Cooper-Dickson

.

I’d also like to thank my arthritis ridden body for getting me there and back (just about) and for that wonderful thing we call HRT - Lord knows what state I would have been in without it! 🥵😉🤣

*1. Does anyone else get “lunchtime” traffic in their towns? I mean seriously, how long do you get for lunch? Where are you DRIVING to on your lunch break?! Or maybe it’s a Friday thing… is everyone skulking off early… It’s 12:45pm!!

*2. Yes I do realise that ‘ranty’ and ‘geniusness’ are not real words, let’s just go with it 😉

*3. Obviously referring to the endlessly-entertaining genius that is Sheldon from the hilarious “Big Bang Theory” 😊

This was essay no.3 of

Claire Venus

24 Essays Club