Are men allowed to be men anymore?

What does “being a man” even mean nowadays anyway?

It’s time my dear readers, it’s time. I’ve been putting this controversial subject off for long enough. There are only so many times I can shout and swear at the TV, before I HAVE to write something about it! 😆

Disclaimer… For the purpose of this opinion piece, all references to men and women are meant in the traditional sense. I am well aware that we, as a society, must accept, welcome and include all variations of what might embody the identity of a man/woman. However, for this particular piece of writing, I will be assuming traditional gender identities. i.e., born as male/female, identify as such and have not transitioned to an alternate… UNIVERSE! Sorry, I mean gender 🤣

So, what is getting me so riled up?

Well, to put it in simple terms… I am absolutely sick to death of witnessing men (in both real life and mainstream media) being judged, criticised, mistreated, and even bullied by women! Yes, you heard me right… I am fed up with the inequality that is rife amongst certain sections of society, where we seem to have accepted this vile behaviour by women towards men, as some sort of liberating feminism!

Erm… I thought feminism was about equal opportunities and fair treatment towards both men and women. How is it acceptable to bash, demonise and belittle men in the name of “women’s rights”? – Let me guess… “because the men have been in power long enough, it is the women’s turn” – This was an actual answer that one (misguided, self-proclaimed “fiercely feminist”) woman gave me when I posed the question to her! How does that make it ok, to behave towards men in exactly the same way as they have behaved towards women in the past? Surely that makes no sense… or is it that it “makes us equal” in some twisted tit-for-tat scenario?

*Please let me be clear… I am not in any way shape or form condoning the awful way women have been treated by men in the past (and still now in some cases, sadly). It is disgusting, inexcusable and grossly unfair. I am forever grateful to all the women (and men) who have stood up against this behaviour and fought for our rights. I am also extremely thankful and humbled to be alive at a time where a woman has rights, freedom, choices and is treated fairly (most of the time).*

Did you know there is something called toxic feminism? I didn’t... until I started researching this piece. Then I was like… Yes, toxic, that’s exactly what it is! The behaviour I’ve witnessed (whether it be by or to a man or a woman) is vile and toxic. The problem I have is with the inequality of the response and treatment towards the person who delivers the nasty behaviour/comments. If a man says something awful to a woman – most people (quite rightly) are up in arms and deeply offended or protective of the woman in question. However, if you flip it on its head and a woman is nasty to a man – most people will ignore, join in or maybe even congratulate the woman for “standing up for herself” or “giving men what they deserve”.

What exactly is Toxic Feminism?

Toxic feminism is a term that refers to behaviours, attitudes, or beliefs within the feminist movement that are harmful or exclusionary. It operates on discrimination, negative portrayal of men, exclusion, silencing and victimisation. It is when feminist principles are taken to an extreme and promote the idea that all men are inherently oppressive, or that women are superior to men.

This type of thinking can lead to a culture of divisiveness and animosity, which harms both individuals and the broader movement for gender equality. This “fourth wave of feminism” (as it has become known), has led to a large section of men feeling the need to tread super carefully, through fear of it all blowing up in their faces. This inevitably has subsequently triggered a backlash, that is being expressed both in everyday situations and vacuous social media posts. Realities are being distorted and the real issues are going unaddressed.

Dani Dyer and the missed opportunity!

Someone who tried to highlight the issues that men are experiencing in today’s society, is former Eastenders star, Danny Dyer – with his recent documentary called “How to Be a Man” He uses his fame and down to earth nature, along with his “traditionally masculine” character to connect with men and discuss the issues in more detail. The problem is, he doesn’t really get anywhere and (in my opinion) misses a hugely valuable opportunity. He does however manage to introduce us to a couple of ‘prize twats’ (my words, not his) who have decided to take a stand against “toxic feminists” and their “Misandry” – I know, what’s that?

Misandry is a form of sexism that is based on hate… a dislike or ingrained prejudice towards men. A “misandrist” will likely hate men and believe they are stupid, dirty and inferior. A society or a system that sets women above men is called matriarchy. So, in simple terms, the opposite of Misogyny, a misogynist and patriarchy.

Unfortunately, it seems the only example of an “uprising against toxic feminism” Danny could muster, was that of the well-known social media boxing ‘star’ and vomit-inducing misogynistic twat – Ed Matthews. I watched the interview, open mouthed and utterly stunned, as Ed slated women and spoke in the most derogatory way. Matthews begins to describe what he believes to be a woman’s worst trait – “Imagine your future wife had 30 other willies inside her. Even, like, five or seven, I ain’t involved” He needs his future wife to be “pure” – Wow! Please nobody marry this disgusting man! 🙏

Now, before you say that I am behaving like a toxic feminist, let me be clear… my comments about Matthews are purely based on the PERSON (could be a man or a woman) who I saw behaving in a vile and despicable way. Which kind of brings me to my point – That type of vile behaviour is degrading, disgusting and unacceptable whichever way you look at it – whether it be man to woman, woman to man, man to man or woman to woman – we are all PEOPLE and no PERSON (whatever their gender or identity) should be treated in this way. All that Danny managed to highlight here is that there are some deeply troubled and poorly misguided men, that are attempting to “fight back” against toxic feminism with toxic masculinity – They are equally as bad – I guess the message here is… whether you are a man or a woman, just don’t be a twat!!

Did Danny actually highlight anything useful?

To be fair, he did manage to spark some good discussions around father’s rights and the vast inequality that men today face as parents. Where society/systems still tend to automatically favour the mother as the more “suitable” parent in a custody battle, for example. Unfortunately, this can lead to very sad circumstances indeed. Dyer had a very emotional chat with one such dad, whose very young son was sadly murdered in the hands of his ex-wife, who was deemed to be the “suitable” parent. – A subject for another time perhaps.

Other inequalities that are “confusing” men

Is chivalry a good or a bad thing?

Whilst I appreciate that it originated from a standpoint of men believing that women are morally pure, weaker and in need of protection. Is it really such a bad thing to exercise behaviours that are essentially good manners? Man or woman, is it not just polite and considerate to hold a door open, offer someone who is cold an extra layer of clothing, make sure they get home safe, etc? Afterall, the simple definition of Chivalry is - polite, honest, kind and unselfish behaviour. How anyone can be offended by this, I struggle to understand. I refer back to my previous point – “man or woman, just don’t be twat!”

Man up and grow a pair!

We want men to show their emotions and allow themselves to be sensitive and vulnerable, but then when they do this, it isn’t long before we’re telling them to “man up” and “grow a pair” – Unfortunately both of which I’m ashamed to admit I have said myself. Which one is it ladies? We want our men to be open and honest, but also not too emotional. We want strength and support, but not dominance and protection. We want them to be polite, kind and loving, but don’t you dare open the door for me, I can do it myself!! Grrrrr! How are men supposed to know where they stand?

“Blue and Pink Jobs”

Ah, that lovely double standard phrase I hear so often. Used by (apparently) “feminist” women regularly, to highlight the different household chores that are considered to be the man or woman’s responsibility. Whilst it is great and absolutely right that couples (or anyone) who live together share the household responsibilities equally, are we not making a mockery out of the ‘taking the bins out’ discussion, by turning it directly into an argument that is both sexist and stereotypical.

Never hit a woman - So it’s ok to hit a man then?

I don’t know how it seems to have become acceptable (and regularly portrayed as such in mainstream media) for a woman to shout, scream, slap, kick or even hit a man. Men are being demonised left right and centre for even looking at a woman, let alone (God forbid) perhaps wanting to raise their voice slightly to get their point across… or worse… try to defend themselves against the violent advances of some bat-shit-crazy bitch they’ve had the misfortune of knowing.

A prime example of discrimination towards men

Why is awful behaviour viewed so differently depending on who it comes from? Surely all bad behaviour should be responded to in the same way, no? It just doesn’t seem right to me that men are judged so harshly in comparison to women. If we truly are aiming for equality, should the derogatory behaviour of women towards men not be dealt with also? I have witnessed, time and time again, groups of women objectifying men… leering at them, teasing them, putting them down and even touching them inappropriately… to check if they’re “a big boy” or not - in plain sight too! Whilst friends and on-lookers might laugh, join in or turn a blind eye. Now imagine this same behaviour, but the other way round. Let me paint you a picture…

A woman stands alone at a bar (her friends have gone to the loo). It’s a busy place with music and lots of people around. A group of men approach the bar, chatting and laughing. One of them notices the woman and whispers something to his friends about her “huge tits”. They all start leering and jeering at the lady, who is visibly uncomfortable. Then they start to crowd around her and start asking if her “arse is huge too” and how they’d love to see “those tits” bouncing up and down. The men are all laughing and start touching her inappropriately. The woman’s friends have come back from the loo. Some join in with the teasing, some watch and laugh and some ignore it and carry on dancing or chatting amongst themselves.

Just think about that for a minute. At what point did you start getting angry about the men’s behaviour towards the woman at the bar? If you were imagining how horrible that would be if you were her, why didn’t you feel the same empathy for the man in the alternate description? Is it because “men love that sort of attention” or “they can handle it, they’re tough” or “it’s just a bit of banter – men aren’t vulnerable in the same way as women”. Hang on, I thought we were all equal.

But men and women are NOT the same!

There’s no escaping it… men and women are (and always will be) different. We are all human, sure, but there are undeniable differences. Not only in the obvious biological aspects, but also in brain activity, sex-specific cognitive and behavioural styles, as well as susceptibility to illness and disorders. Scientists have long been studying brain structure, which has largely been proven to be vastly similar in both men and women. However, in more recent times brain functionality has been more closely examined, as in THIS study…

“The connectivity profiles showed an early separation between the developmental trajectories of the two sexes, with males displaying higher intra-hemispheric connectivity and females of the same age displaying higher inter-hemispheric connectivity. This implies that the average male brain is designed for better connecting sensory perception with motor activity and the female brain is predisposed to linking analytic and intuitive processing”

Is it really so wrong to define men and women as being fundamentally different? Are we not in an age where all people should be celebrated regardless of sex, gender, race, religion, nationality, etc? Instead of fighting for equality where we try to be the same as men, is it not better to fight for a world where we are all equal - in terms of rights, opportunities, freedoms, jobs, pay, etc… but at the same time celebrate and nurture our differences and harness them to work together? Where power belongs to people, not men or women. Where neither women nor men are demonised, shamed, belittled or targeted simply because of their sex. A world where acts of hatred, prejudice or violence are judged equally as harshly, regardless of who it comes from.

I’ll finish with a ‘Tinglish’ (Thai-English) phrase that I have come to know and love from my travels in Thailand – “Same same, but different” – Which basically means… fundamentally different with the slightest similarities, but who cares?

Thank you for reading ❤️