Emotion Coaching for your CHILD

Helping you to accept ALL of your child's emotions and how to assist them in managing them effectively.

Hello lovely readers!

Today’s piece was inspired by THIS brilliant article from

Dr Ahmet

here on Substack, which is all about how to support your child with “anger issues” as they put it. I personally prefer the phrase “difficult emotions”, but… whilst I’m not a huge fan of their chosen phrase, or the use of AI for their images, that doesn’t take away from the great advice you will find on their page. I highly recommend, but do stay with me for now, as a have a few insights of my own that I think will really compliment their article.

As someone who has had A LOT of personal first-hand experience with this topic, I would like to share some of my “top tips”, which you can of course take or leave, but you might find them useful… or at the very least interesting.

My Personal Experience

My youngest daughter, who is now (at the time of writing) 8 years old, has struggled with controlling her emotions for a very long time. With a particular tendency to have sudden and dramatic anger outbursts, which would often result in screaming, crying, throwing things and even occasionally (very sadly) trying to hurt herself. After many years of extensive research, hard work and devoted commitment, I am so proud to say that I have been largely successful in helping her manage her difficult emotions and guide her towards better and more appropriate/acceptable ways to process them. Through my experience and with a lot of trial and error, I have concluded that there are 6 KEY elements that are absolutely VITAL and enormously effective.

Photo by Ladislav Stercell on Unsplash

Key Element #1

Telling (and showing) your child that EVERY emotion they have is absolutely acceptable and you "still love them, even when they are angry". BUT, if the BEHAVIOUR/REACTION to their strong emotion is inappropriate, you must tell them this - AFTER they have calmed down - and tell/show them more appropriate/acceptable ways to deal with the difficult feelings. “It is ok to feel angry, but it is not ok to hit your brother… slam the door… break your toys… shout at mummy”, etc. You could say to them that next time they start to feel angry/frustrated, they could ask you for help rather than lashing out. This will take some time for them to get used to, but it will come. The simple offer of a hug can do absolute wonders as I explain in THIS article, where I share a situation from the earlier days with my daughter.

Key Element #2

Try not to send them away or make them feel dismissed or ashamed for having the difficult emotions. Although sometimes this is absolutely necessary and if you need to remove them from a volatile situation, or because they are behaving inappropriately in public, absolutely do this. However, try (where possible) to stay with (or very near) them and support them through the emotion by saying you are there when they need you. Or (if they'll let you), simply hold them... give them a hug... show them that you are there for them no matter what… That your love for them is unconditional.

Why this is vital

This will build trust and a strong bond that will serve you both well for the next time. Just as we would comfort a child when they are feeling sad, frightened or worried… The same should apply when they are feeling angry, frustrated or disappointed. Remember, it is the EMOTION you are paying attention to, NOT the behaviour.

Key Element #3

Set an example!! By this, I DO NOT mean be perfect all the time and never show your anger or other negative emotions. What I mean by this is that when you find yourself getting angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to share how you are feeling by acknowledging and naming the emotions. This will help your child see first-hand that, not only is it totally normal to get those kinds of feelings, but it will also help THEM learn how to identify and name them. The next step to this is modelling the more appropriate/acceptable ways to deal with the big difficult emotions. For example, by taking a deep breath when you are angry. Or saying that you need to count to 10 to calm down… or simply expressing your frustration (where appropriate – depending on the age of your child) and saying that you just need some time to finish something or figure something out.

Why this is vital

By doing this, you are not only helping yourself to calm down, but you are also teaching your child valuable lessons in how to manage THEIR difficult feelings. Also (and perhaps MOST importantly) you are helping your child to build an understanding that they are NOT alone in feeling big negative emotions and that we are all human and NOBODY is perfect! This will be of HUGE benefit as they are building their own self-esteem. *I feel this could be a great topic to expand on another time perhaps*

Key element #4

Are they simply hot and bothered, tired or disappointed? There can often be some more “simple” and easily fixable situations that are leading to your child’s anger and/or outbursts of emotion. Personally, I have noticed that when my daughter gets too hot and/or thirsty, it can escalate her feelings of anger or overwhelm very, very quickly! I’ve often found that simply asking her to come and sit in the shade and have a drink of water can dissipate any signs of a pending outburst and help her to “cope” much better with the activities in a busy place, for example. Another observation I’ve made is that disappointment seems to be a very difficult emotion to manage (as with a lot of children, I’m sure). The key with this is to not be afraid of the emotion… definitely DO NOT start giving in to your child and let them have what they want in order to avoid the disappointment, but rather be prepared to acknowledge the feelings and be ready to support them through it. You mustn’t be afraid of the potential outbursts… think of every time it happens as being another opportunity to guide them on their way to better self-control and healthy management of their feelings. Also, life will happen and children need to learn to deal/adapt to all sorts of situations… the last thing you want is to feel like you’re constantly treading on eggshells or avoiding certain places/activities due to fear of an outburst. That’s not good for anybody in the family, least of all your child.

Why this is vital

You can help your child to feel understood by saying things like “I know it’s hard when you can’t have/do something you want, and I can see you’re really disappointed” They will feel heard, understood and supported and if they need to be upset/grumpy about it for a while, THAT’S OK! Let them! They will soon snap out of it when you move onto the next thing and you can remind them you are available for hugs/comfort when they are ready. Continuing to build that trust I was talking about earlier and MOST importantly solidifying their understanding that they are NOT a bad person for having difficult emotions.

Key Element #5

Are they being ignored, rushed or pulled from an activity suddenly? I do appreciate that parenting is hard and often these situations can’t be avoided. However, keeping things at a calm pace will help your child enormously to cope with their emotions. One of the best things I have ever done as a parent is to slow down! We all know that children are in their own wonderful little world when they are immersed in an activity that they enjoy.

Young children have absolutely no concept of time and really couldn’t give a shit if “we’re running late for Aunty Susan’s tea party… or we’re going to miss Cousin Julie’s Christening”. The selfish little fuckers think the world revolves around them, and whatever they want to do is WAY more important than any appointment and/or work commitments we might have. They also give absolutely zero fucks about how this might impact you for the rest of your day/life! So… we have to set them up to succeed in difficult/surprising/sudden changes in situation.

·      Try to remember to give plenty of warning when it’s almost time to leave/finish something and make sure they have heard you (by getting them to repeat back if necessary).

·      If they are old enough show them a clock and say, “when the big hand gets to there, we need to…” and try to involve them in the process by getting them to help you prepare a bag, etc…

·      Allow extra time for letting them do things for themselves… getting dressed, putting shoes and coats on for example. (More about the importance of autonomy in #6 below)

Why this is vital

Whilst it is important to teach children to adapt and be able to cope with these kinds of situations in life, it is vital to remember not to rush them in being able to do so. We need to show empathy and understanding towards our children, in order that they can feel safe to make mistakes and know that you are not judging them and that you are there to guide and support them. I now try to leave an extra half an hour for any “getting ready to leave the house” situations, to allow extra time for sudden needs for a wee (actually usually me), doing things like packing a little bag for themselves, the teenager who insists she’s ready but then suddenly realises she has no socks on 🙄 and the very important modern necessity – water bottle prep!

Side note: If you absolutely HAVE to get to Grandma’s Garden party (and it is just NOT worth the shit show that would follow a late arrival) and your gorgeous little gremlin is being an absolute arsehole, despite all your best efforts to stay calm and ‘gentle supportive parent’ the shit out of them... My best advice would be to just grab their clothes (and whatever else they are refusing to put on), bundle them in the car and just get going!

You can support them with this by saying “I love you and I am ready to give you support/hugs, but right now we HAVE to get in the car/leave the house… when we get to… we can have a cuddle and sort this out.” I often find that the change in scenery/atmosphere that then occurs is usually enough to distract them/calm them down, which then gives you time to breathe and think about how to take the next best steps.

Key Element #6

Are you doing everything for them? Are they frustrated and often shout about wanting to do things themselves? It is worth having a think about how much autonomy you allow your children to have and ask yourself, are there things they could do but “because it’s easier or quicker” you do it yourself? Now, I’m not suggesting that you suddenly let them cook a 3-course meal because THEY want to… I’m simply suggesting that wherever possible, try to allow them the freedom to do things for themselves when they really want to try. *Age appropriate, as obviously safety is a factor here*

From my personal experience, I’ve learned that the more I have tried to let go of controlling every little thing (because it is quicker or less messy if I do it), the less frustrated and angry my daughter would become when she wanted to try things herself. It can be very difficult and time consuming to allow your child more freedom, but it really is essential in building their confidence and self-esteem.

Why this is vital

When we parent in a controlling way (often with the best of intentions) using high supervision and monitoring, we are undermining our child’s own independence and confidence. By carefully curating their environment or trying to “rescue” them from stress and destress or “save” them from emotional pain, we are unintentionally undermining their skills and development. However, if we try to take our child’s perspective by using empathy, giving them choices, listening and coaching them (but NOT doing it for them) we are doing them the biggest favour.

By having more freedoms to try, fail and perfect a task… this will not only help to build their confidence and independence as they start to master skills, but you are also helping them to learn coping skills and build belief in themselves. Also (and perhaps most importantly) you are showing them that YOU believe in them, that you TRUST them and that you ACCEPT them fully as a person and LOVE them unconditionally 💛

This will build on that bond and trust between you and your child and ultimately further strengthen the relationship between you, which will in turn assist you in your endeavours to support your child with the management of their emotions.

Lastly

Please remember that my intension here is not to make anyone feel inadequate or like they are doing things ‘wrong’. There is no ‘right’ way to parent and I am merely sharing with you my first-hand experience in the hope that it may be of use or support to someone out there. I feel very passionately that we must build each other up and not bring anyone down, as the job we have as parents is hard enough. Please look after yourselves and remember to put value on what you do every day, by just showing up for your kids. Big hugs 🥰

Thank you for reading my ‘little insights’ into managing your child’s emotions. If you liked it, please let me know by pressing the little ❤️ as this means so much to me. Feel free to share it too if you know someone who might find it useful. Also, please do let me know in the comments if you can relate to any of my experiences and how have you coped with it? I’m interested to hear other viewpoints and it may help somebody on here to read it too 😁

If you enjoyed this, maybe you would like to read more from me HERE, where I give my opinions on supportive parenting, why tantrums ARE normal, kids and smart phones and more.