Empathic Magic
Talking Empathy and how using it can create an invaluable bond between you and your child… or anyone really!
I thought *“Emotional Health Week” would be a great time to share this little piece I wrote a few years ago, when my youngest was around three years old and really struggling with emotional outbursts of epic proportion! She still does at times and is eight now. I have by no means perfected this technique, but thought it might be useful to create a small summary of what I’ve learnt, with a lovely little personal example of how empathy can work its magic.
I have a Diploma in Childcare and Education and over 20 years of experience as a Nursery Practitioner, Nanny, Childminder (when my eldest was born) and a mum of two girls. Even with all of that, I still struggle at times to employ the empathic approach – It’s hard! This post is in no way meant to make anyone feel guilty or inadequate, so take from it what you will, but PLEASE remember to treat yourself with the same kindness, empathy and acceptance that we ALL need and deserve. ❤️
Through no fault of our own, we have learned to dismiss, ignore and punish difficult feelings and tantrums, instead of facing them head on and allowing them to be released in a healthy way. Obviously, this a scary alternative and brings up all sorts of our own feelings of embarrassment, guilt and shame, etc… However, supporting your child through these difficult feelings rather than punishing them, is an invaluable support and learning opportunity for your child. After all, negative behaviour in children ALWAYS has a feeling or reason behind it. Dealing with it in an empathic manner allows us to support our young children in getting to the bottom of those feelings. Furthermore, helping them to understand and deal with those difficult emotions in an effective way. In a way that is acceptable within the society which we are required to live, function and operate in.
Of-course undesirable behaviour must be punished, but the difficult feelings must not be. It is very important that we differentiate between these two things. A child should never feel like they are a “bad” person for feeling a certain way – ALL feelings are valid and need to be accepted – but the behaviour needs to be corrected, so that they can understand the importance of kindness and how we treat people… even when we are angry, frustrated or disappointed, etc… Children need to be supported and guided on how to do this, as they are so new to it all and are still learning the different ways they can handle their big scary feelings.
This is why it is so important that we try to harness the outbursts and tantrums and use them as an opportunity to support and guide them, rather than punishing them for having difficult, undesirable feelings – which creates an environment where a child only feels loved and accepted when they feel happy, excited, loving, etc… They need to understand and be shown that they are loved unconditionally, and that includes when they are feeling all of the “negative” emotions too. This is not always the easiest thing to do in the moment, when they are perhaps behaving like a prize twat! 😆
We have to see these moments as a call for help, rather than something they’re doing on purpose to wind us up. Although there might be a little element of this of-course, we have to remember that we are the adult and they need our help and guidance in these moments (arguably) more than at any other time. Please remember, I’m not advocating paying attention to the behaviour, it’s the emotions we’re paying attention to and shining a light on. The behaviour can be corrected through guidance, conversation and consequence AFTER the storm of emotions has calmed. A child who feels heard and understood is far more likely to display desirable behaviour, on the basis that they feel loved, valued and connected to you. But, more importantly, because you are modelling empathy and understanding, and teaching them how to manage their feelings more successfully. By providing them with a safe, non-judgemental space to do this.💞
Real Life Example – With my daughter - 3 yrs old at the time
She couldn't have something she wanted, and she had been told no in a firm, calm and kind manner. She was feeling particularly hard done by - for a few other reasons perhaps - then add in, maybe feeling fed up, hungry, tired or too hot, etc… And you get… "It's not fair!! You are not my friend! You can't come to my party! You are the worst mum in the world! I hate you!!!!"
I allow her to storm off and say nothing to her except "Ok", in order that I can keep myself calm and continue to look after my other child/pets that need my attention. Then, when I am able to, I go and see her. I calmly say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you're feeling so angry, I can see you're really upset, what do you need?" Now, this is where the magic happens… I can literally see the anger start to melt away… she feels heard, understood and supported… I mean, who doesn't love that feeling, right?! She then wipes her tears and says, "A hug".
Ok, I can do that… a hug, so simple! This is where the reconnection happens. Where the warmth, trust and love come alive. In the secure and loving embrace of a hug, the anger quickly dissipates. We can talk calmly, and she tells me how she feels. I can help her name those feelings… sad, angry, upset, disappointed, etc… and we can discuss better ways of dealing with them. As for the thing she couldn't have… there isn't even a hint of wanting it anymore. The WANT has disappeared because her NEED for understanding and empathy has been met! This is where we can truly nurture our child's emotional intelligence and build the foundations for a strong, self-assured, empathic adult! One who has NOT been dismissed or punished for feeling a certain way, but has been nurtured with feelings of value, self-worth, understanding and unconditional love! ❤
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*If you’d like to find to find out more about Emotional Health Week… click HERE where there is a wealth of knowledge, helpful insights and useful tools and strategies around Emotional Health and Wellness ✨
