So Lonely

A poem, written by me, about feeling lonely in motherhood.

Thankfully I currently don't feel this way, and I am happy to report that I haven’t for quite some time. However, I will never forget that dark, cloudy and hopeless place… a place you don’t really know how you got to, and certainly can’t see how to get out of.

Loneliness really is a complex feeling and you most certainly don’t need to be physically alone to feel it. At the time I wrote this, I was 8 months post lung surgery - to remove a rare cancerous growth called a carcinoid tumour - also known as a “slow motion cancer”.

I believe at the time I was experiencing some kind of imposter syndrome and truly believed with every fibre of my being, that it was a mistake that I was still here. Whilst I was surrounded by loved ones and much support and kindness, I remember feeling a crippling sense of guilt and anger that I get to live and others don’t. So lonely with my thoughts and feelings… how could I possibly share how I felt, how dare I be so ungrateful!

Since then, I have learnt not to be scared of such thoughts and feelings and know that, whilst painful when they’re there, they will go eventually and the fog will lift to reveal a lighter, happier time again. The key is to allow all feelings and let them be… let them be, but know that they are temporary and just as we revel in the brighter, happier thoughts… we must also allow the uncomfortable feelings the time they need to just be. For, without the sadness, there can be no joy.

Useless, worthless, not deserving
Sorry to say it, but I'm feeling despairing 
The mess, the mess, why does it matter
But if I leave it, I feel like I'll shatter

So angry, but why, what's it all about
I want to scream so loud, get it all out
If I cry a river so deep it flows out to sea
Then maybe, finally, I can be free!

So lonely… a call, a text, if only
Everyone so busy they don't have a clue
Stop, look around, someone needs you

Then there's one little person, here all the time
So beautiful, still can't believe she's mine
So happy, innocent and kind
How have I been so blind

Why can't I see, why is everything so black
Feeling so deprived, yet there is nothing I lack
To be free, to be normal, to just get along
If only I could be that strong

But weak I am not, just stuck in a spiral
Dying to get out before it goes viral

Written by Eva Lydon - 22nd August 2014

I did - I got out! ☺️

If you are currently in this or a similar place, please know that you too will find your way out.

In the meantime, just allow yourself to feel what you need to feel… and as sure as Spring will come again, there will be light in your life again… until then, be kind to yourself and just BE ❤️