It's Not Me, It's You!

Strategies to protect yourself against people’s bad 'projection' habits

Hi!

This piece was originally written (by me) back in October, as a guest post for

Ruth Cooper-Dickson

at the wonderful Coffee With Coops publication – which I thoroughly recommend by the way.😉

I’ve re-purposed it today for a couple of reasons:

1. I’m laid up in bed with a nasty cough and needed something easy to post, which didn’t require much prep.🤒

2. I believe it to be currently relevant and potentially useful/helpful, as we enter this festive (yet, often stressful) time of year.🎄🧡☃️

3. I’m actually really proud of it and wanted to get it further out in the world – apologies if you’ve seen it over at ‘Coffee With Coops’ already.😳

Anyway, here it is…

Do you find you often seem to be on the receiving end of some pretty nasty behaviour or comments from a friend or a family member? Do you sometimes struggle to understand what on earth you did or said that was so wrong or bad? You may be experiencing what we have all come to know as - projection! I’m sure you’ve heard of this at some point or another, but just in case…

Straightforward Definition:

“Projection is a type of psychological defence mechanism. When people project, they place their negative emotions, beliefs, or traits on someone else. People project to protect themselves from uncomfortable inner conflict and anxiety, but the behaviour can interfere with various relationships and situations.” – You can read more here: Choosing Therapy - but stay with me for now! 😉

Now MY Definition:

“Projection is a confusing malfunction between humans – usually close relatives – where one refuses to recognise that they have issues that need addressing. So, instead of getting the right help required for dealing with those issues, they make other people’s lives a misery as a way of avoiding their uncomfortable negative emotions and to protect their own self-esteem. Great – Thanks!”

As you might be able to tell by my tone, I have been on the receiving end of such treatment just a few times. Unfortunately, for reasons that are far too long to go into right now, both my parents have become accustomed to this way of behaving. To be fair, apparently it is not always a conscious thing, which is at least a little comforting I guess. Projection can be a result of subconscious reactions to unpleasant emotions and inner conflict. People use this type of defence mechanism to protect themselves from anxiety and internal discomfort, without being fully aware of what drives their behaviour.

Once you start to understand that the person projecting often has a lack of awareness around their difficult emotions, anxiety and negative beliefs, you can start to tap into your empathy and compassion for that person. This is the first positive step towards protecting yourself from the upsetting and hurtful impact of their behaviour.

Of-course it would be wonderful if your relative/friend/partner could develop some (or a deeper) awareness themselves and work at resolving their issues. However, as we all know, not everyone is as open to this as we might wish they were. So, if this is the case, the best thing you can do is learn how to protect YOURSELF from the full impact of their projection.

Empathy and Compassion

Remember, often the cause of a person’s projection stems from deeply rooted past issues, buried in their subconscious (below conscious level). Therefore, (as previously mentioned) this can help us to draw on our empathy and compassion, when we realise that they may not even be aware of what they are doing; and certainly not WHY they are doing it. It’s also helpful to know that…

“Projection is often a reflection of how someone feels about themselves.” - Choosing Therapy

Using that compassion that we now have (hopefully) tapped into, we can try to show patience and understanding. By thinking about the fact that the deep-rooted feelings and beliefs they carry about themselves are SO painful, they have had to push them SO far beneath there conscious mind in order to cope; we can start to understand that it really is nothing to do with US at all! Well, it might be a bit to do with us… it’s worth checking in with yourself just to be sure.😉

Projection into Reflection

Now we have this understanding, we can perhaps deal with the situation more rationally. Rather than react abruptly and defensively, we can stay calm and look at things objectively. Reminding ourselves that this is NOT about our own fears, anxieties, shortcomings, etc… but it is, in fact, all theirs. Hence the title of this piece: “It’s not me, it’s you!” - See what I did there 😆

Note: Whether or not you politely try to point this out, only YOU will know when (or if) that is a good idea. Perhaps they will feel more open to it once they have been bowled over by your amazing empathy and understanding.😉😄

Please also note: Old people are particularly stuck in their ways and will likely show a huge amount of resistance to the slightest mention that it might be a ‘them problem’, so tread carefully – Yes, I am talking from personal experience.

Learn Their Triggers

If all else fails and it just - keeps - happening, my final tip is to LEARN THEIR TRIGGERS! I know, I know, again it’s us doing all the work… but assuming you still want this person in your life and they are miserably blissfully unaware of the whole mess, you will need to do what you can to protect yourself from the full and lasting impact that their showers-of-shit can have on you. So…

…Be prepared

Ask yourself, what usually happens right before the avalanche of shit cascades forth from their gob? What do you know about their past that might have impacted them so negatively? What have they experienced to cause them such deep and excruciating pain? So much pain that their subconscious actually stops them from facing it, in order to preserve their ability to function day to day.

Acceptance

And finally, the key to all of this… acceptance. You may have battled with this person in the past and at times you may have even felt like you’d got some way to healing them. But, as much it is admirable that you’re trying to help them, they won’t (and can’t) change anything until they see it for themselves. It is not your job to fix them; and the burden of such a job is something you really don’t need, impacting negatively on your life, time and time again. By accepting this and using some of the tools previously mentioned, you can put yourself in a position less vulnerable to the negative impact of their shit-storm.

“Duck it!” (and no that is not a typo😆)

At times like these, I like to keep in mind the phrase ‘Like water off a duck’s back’

The key being that no matter how much “water” is sent your way, you can think of yourself as a calm contented duck, just floating peacefully around a lake in the knowledge that the water will just glide right off you again. It needn’t get under your skin and impact your mood or your general wellbeing; it is NOT yours to absorb!

P.S. It was my dad who taught me that 🥰

Thank you for reading and I hope you found this article of some use - If you enjoyed it, please click on the little ♥️ and/or comment below… this really helps other people find it. Thank you! 🙏

Photo by Oliver Cox on Unsplash