Do You Really Mean That?

Why we struggle to ask for help and the importance of modelling self-care to our children.

This article was inspired by listening to

Emma Gannon

talking on the Happy Mum, Happy Baby Podcast - Do have a listen, but stay with me for now…

…I really related with the way Emma talks of “embedded guilt” around asking for (and accepting) help in this fabulous interview. It got me thinking… Among a multitude of other reasons, could it also be because we wonder if people are offering as a polite gesture (and secretly hoping we will decline) or do they actually mean it?

In a world where there is a vast generation of people pleasers (myself included and it does tend to be women), it makes it a little difficult to identify the genuine offers of help. This makes me think of a recent conversation I had with a friend, where we were discussing why we feel like we must do everything ourselves.

There was talk of societal pressures and the acceptance and praise that comes from achieving high levels of productivity, the low level of importance that is placed on self-care and gentle living and how growing up with a fiercely feminist mother* all added to the pot. (Although I do believe things are shifting now, finally – thanks to fantastic podcasts such as these).

With regards to asking for help – I believe there are two major factors at play here…

1. Societal Pressure

Throughout the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s there was (quite rightly) an enormous shift in the opportunities for women in the workplace – Away from the traditional role of housewife and/or mother. Whilst this is of-course fantastic (although there is still much work to be done 🙄), I believe this added undue pressure on women to “have it all”… “to DO it all”. If you didn’t “do it all” you were deemed to be inadequate, incapable, a failure, lazy…

This wasn’t equality… this was just dumping even more of the workload on women! Suddenly women were expected to birth and bring up the next generation AND contribute to the workforce too! Now women felt inadequate if they were “only” doing one or the other. Being “just” a mum became something that wasn’t valued anymore, that you were shamed for… and the worst part… it was largely other women that would do the shaming. Here was born that hideous phrase “and what do you do?”

Who was going to step in and help raise the children? Well, it certainly wasn’t going to be the men! (not back then anyway) - I talk more about this in my (unpublished at the time) response to a piece of writing by Freya India – A fantastic writer, may I add, I just had “beef” with this particular article – You can read my full response further down the page.

2. People Pleasing

Whilst we’ve all been frantically running around trying to impress others and live up to (quite frankly) impossible standards of doing everything for everyone else and neglecting our own wellbeing, we have inadvertently de-valued the genuine offers of help and put everyone in the middle of an anxious shit storm of a guessing game! 🙄

Think about when the bill comes at a restaurant – “No, let me get this one”, “No, no let me”, “No, I insist, let me”, “No, honestly, I don’t mind”, “no, really, let me” – Both poised with bank card between fingers and no one actually paying the sodding bill! The poor waiter stands there exasperated, desperately trying not to sigh and/or give you the biggest fucking eye roll of your life! 🤣

Another classic - “I’ll take the kids to the park for a bit, so you can have a break”, “Oh, how kind of you, but no I couldn’t do that to you, I’ll take them, you chill here for a bit”. “No, honestly I don’t mind… gives my lot someone to play with”. “No, no I insist, let me take them”. “I’ll tell you what, let’s all go… it’s such a lovely day… it’ll be fun”. Great! Now no one gets a bloody break!! 🙄 I could go on, but you get the idea.

If only we could all be more honest and bold and actually say what we mean! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could trust that every of help we receive was genuine, because people would only offer if they actually meant it! It would hold so much more value too… knowing that the offer has come from a real and honest place of love and compassion. To be confident to accept, knowing that you will be genuinely delighted to pay it back/forward when you can.❤️

My Response to Freya India’s Article

The bit that triggered my response…

“This very modern belief that a good life means maximum freedom, with as little discomfort and constraint as possible, the way children think. Now nothing should hold adults back. They have a right to feel good, at all times. They stopped being role models of responsibility and became vessels of the only culture left, a therapeutic culture, where it’s only acceptable to be protective of one thing, your own mental health and happiness. Listen to the way adults judge decisions now, how they justify themselves. Parents are celebrated for leaving their families because they were vaguely unhappy or felt they needed to find themselves, even at the expense of their children’s security. Adults talk about finding themselves as much as teenagers do. Parents complain online about the “emotional labour” of caring for family, or express regret for even having children because they got in the way of their goals. Once growing up meant sacrificing for family, giving up some of yourself, that was an honour, that was a privilege, and in that sacrifice you found actual fulfilment, broke free from yourself, moved on from adolescent anxieties, and there, then, you became an adult.” - Freya Night on Substack

My Response

“Why can't a mother care for themselves? So they're not worthy of looking after because they haven't "sacrificed" everything to put their kids first!? Then the kids grow up feeling guilty that their mum couldn't have a life/fulfil her (OTHER) dreams. Women have worked so hard against the patriarchal bullshit and even DIED to make it so that we are finally allowed to be not just here to serve and do their “duty” as a woman... but to be a PERSON with views and opinions, with other skills and abilities, equal to that of any other human (man or otherwise)!

To matter, to be seen, heard and understood... and to (God forbid) ENJOY a fulfilling life... How DARE a woman (a MOTHER, no less) want to fulfil her dreams/desires or ambitions outside of being a mother and/or a wife... get back in your box Little lady... "we" preferred it when you didn't "complain"!!! Ironically, going after those desires/passions, etc… is EXACTLY what girls NEED to see their mothers doing! To model SELF-WORTH, VALUE AND SELF-RESPECT!!!

Just as boys need to see their fathers standing up for women, for ANYONE who wants to pursue another direction in life. They kind of forgot to tell the men that they will need to actually start sharing the load when it comes to home life/parenting... Ok yeah, so women, you can “have it all”... but you also have to DO it all… double/triple your work/emotional load, but you wanted it, so here you go! Oh and have less money for it too by the way! How?? STILL!!

Women started doing what men were doing.... but men "kind of forgot" to support THEIR OWN children through this wonderful opportunity to teach/coach/model to them what true equality and support for your partner looks like... woopsy! 🙄

THEN... productivity.. not worthy.. GUILT if you do work, and if you don't.. not ok to "just" be a mum.. I've HAD to do it all, so you must too! That’s just how it is... we ACCEPTED it!! Why?! Jealousy/envy of women who chose not to work.. calling those women lazy! How dare you find a different (perhaps creative) route... Mothers are perhaps bitter/angry that their children get opportunities they never had... guilt if we don’t use those opportunities though.. we can’t win!!

Judgement of women for going after their passions or having a break or a holiday... the women were turning on each other... how PERFECT! What a wonderful distraction... Look guys they're so busy proving to us and each other who's the most productive/can achieve it ALL, we get to just carry on the way we were... BRILLIANT! PINT anyone? Oh, AND they're so desperate to be like us and fight to fit in, they've even started to laugh along with our derogatory jokes and "banter"… Yay!

When a man and a woman (or ANY two people) DECIDE to have children, THEY BOTH make a commitment to care for, nurture and raise those children as a TEAM… and keep them healthy, capable, resilient and able to eventually function in the wider world.

EVERY parenting expert will tell you that children learn most from the behaviour/language that they see/hear around them. You WANT your child (girl or boy) to grow up respecting themselves, listening to their core instincts, living by their values, to be happy, do what they love, be who they are, love and care for others AND themselves! You MODEL that… how do you model that? BY DOING THOSE THINGS YOURSELF!!!

By standing up and saying to our children... I love you and I am committed to being your parent and providing for you. I also love who I am and want to treat myself with the love and care that I require, which means I will do xyz… and I can do this because a). You have another parent (or other relatives, if mum/dad absent) to be here when I'm not.. and b). I have been busy since you were born equipping you with the tools, the knowledge and the resilience to be ok when I'm not around for a bit.

I strongly feel that it is NEVER OK to lay yourself down in sacrifice for another and certainly not to the detriment of your own health and wellbeing. We don’t OWE our children that! We must treat ourselves better… we must care for ourselves better... we MUST model to our children how this is done... we must ALSO show our children how to love and respect each other... how there are times to support another and... EQUALLY IMPORTANTLY... there are times to ask for support... you don't HAVE TO JUST SURVIVE! It's OK to ask for help!!

I believe we are finally waking up to NOT having to DO IT ALL... After 40/50 years, WE'RE HANDING SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY BACK!!! Valuing and nurturing OURSELVES is the start, the foundation, the route from where true nourishment, love and kindness will begin and multiply ❤️”

Thanks so much for reading 🥰