Hi everybody!
I have been a little quiet on here lately, as I have been recovering from major surgery which I had 6 weeks ago. I am happy to report that all went well and I have almost made a full recovery 👍💞
Today’s blog will be a little mixture of various topics I have been busy reading about and commenting on whilst recovering, such as “supportive parenting”, “why tantrums ARE normal” and the ever-controversial topic of “kids and smart phones”. I will also include some small pieces of writing that were inspired by prompts received during the “Spring Journaling Challenge” created by
and at Midstory Magazine.I’ll start with one of the first writing prompts, which brought up some interesting yet familiar feelings, as I struggled to write positively about myself. Here is what came up…
Prompt – Who are you? What do you like about yourself?
Hi, I’m Eva (which apparently means ‘life’), named as such by my parents because when my grandmother died, my mum felt me kick in her tummy for the first time. They reflected on how ‘life’ goes on and this gave them hope and joy at a difficult time.
I have decided to use the question “What do you like about yourself” as a bit of a challenge. This is because talking positively about myself has always made me feel awkward and uncomfortable and kind of gives me the “ick”! I’ve been working on this for a number of years now and I’m seeing this journaling challenge as a bit of a continuation of that work.
So, here goes… hmmm… any moment now (shifts about uncomfortably on seat). Ok, I can do this… Eeew, I hate this feeling! Ok, here goes… Some things I like about myself are that I am kind and thoughtful, I get the best presents for people, I make people laugh, I am a good listener (I think), I’m open and honest, creative, empathic and a great mum. There, I did it! Yay! 🙈
Prompt #2 – Changes
I used to like change, we were friends. Change was new and exciting and brought opportunities for different experiences and a chance to “shake things up a bit”. Now, at the age of 44, I am finding that me and ‘change’ seem to disagree more often. I fear me and ‘change’ are no longer friends.
I also seem to have fallen out with Change’s cousin ‘The Change’ in a really big way. I find them most disagreeable, rather unpredictable and (quite frankly) completely unpleasant. I would really rather we had never made acquaintance. You can read more about the battle I am currently having with ‘The Change’ HERE if you wish.
Prompt #3 – Place
There was absolutely no doubt in my mind and I immediately knew that the ‘place’ I must write about is Thailand. I have been fortunate to be able to travel often and have been to many wonderful places, but there is something about Thailand that just keeps pulling me back. What is it about this incredible country that has captured my heart so completely? Is it the climate, the people, the way of life, the food, the bustling yet completely relaxing atmosphere, the comforting sound of tuk-tuks, the islands of white sand and crystal-clear waters or the kindness of its people? I believe it may be all of these combined that make Thailand the place that I am most drawn to… the place that time and time again, as I set foot out of the airport and onto Thai ‘land’, compels me to say (along with a refreshing sigh of relief) “I’m home”.
Next, I would like to share my thoughts/comments on the following article from The Parenting Guide which you can read in full HERE – Just make sure you come back to me!
Here was my response to the article, titled “Actually, Tantrums Aren’t Normal”
“I was immediately uncomfortable with this generalisation that a child is not "normal" if they have a tantrum... or that the parent is bad for "letting it get to that point". The last thing we need is another badly put together, one sided generalisation that makes parents feel guilty or like a failure. The reason tantrums have become common place, is because parents are up against it... in that, most need to work and general life pressures are higher than ever! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love to pay the amount of attention to our toddlers that is required in order to prevent one single tantrum... but that is not possible in today's society.
We have to teach our children that, to a certain extent, things will not be as they wish and we can support them in a nurturing way through the big, difficult feelings. However, we should not be demonising parents, but rather supporting them to do the best they can with the circumstances in which we all live. This is why tantrums are in fact a "normal" part of THIS modern life and so too is teenagers slamming doors, etc... The trick is to be aware of why these things might be happening and try (when possible) to support our children through these challenging times.”
Q. What do you think? Do you agree with my response or do you have a different view? Let me know in the comments below.
Prompt #4 – Things
So many things… Things can distress me if there are too many, but I fear life would be dull without any. Some bring much joy and some make us sigh, as we trip up on them yet again. Some can inflict pain, like that random un-seen piece of Lego under-foot and some are precious or have meaning and must be cared for as if life depends on it. Isn’t it funny how a ‘thing’ can spark many different feelings, yet on their own they are just pieces of matter moulded and shaped into something, created by humans to be of use or entertainment.
Then there are the things that were here before us, natural things like trees, mountains, a body of water or a volcano. Things that exist purely and naturally with absolutely no human intervention. Things that have calmly existed for longer than we can even imagine possible. These are the things that, to me, bring only one strong feeling… the feeling of peace, it’s power and strength unmatched by any other ‘THING’
Prompt #5 – Midlife Is
Midlife is... very much like a rollercoaster ride, a hall of mirrors if you will... you've seen yourself in one several times, but there seems to still be an element of surprise each time you walk past one… or a window for that matter. I'm writing this as I've just landed on my bed to "recover" from my shower, from which I emerged feeling like I've just been through a boil wash, scrambling to find the thinnest and softest piece of clothing to drape over my weathered body. Even though all I really want to do is lie down stark bollock naked and part my legs in a 'smear test' type position, allowing for optimum air flow in all areas! Although I feel that might be deemed slightly inappropriate, as my partner is on the other side of the room at the desk "working from home" (aka - looking at cars we can't afford) and the last thing I want, in this particular moment, is for him to mistake my sprawling across the bed as some kind of invitation! 😆 How come the cat can lie like that quite happily and nobody bats an eye lid… I’m so jealous! 🙈
Other than that, it's all good... Oh, apart from everything heading south, realising you've only got 15 years left until you're 60, going grey, forgetting EVERYTHING, dry brittle hair and putting on 50lbs of weight if I so much as look at a piece of fucking chocolate!! 🙄🤣
Kids and Smart Phones
I shall finish today with a comment I made in response to THIS post written by
who writes the hugely factual and often hilarious “Is My Kid the Arsehole” Again, please be sure to come back to me 😬The conversation around kids and smart phones is an interesting and often controversial, yet hugely important one. I was compelled to answer Melinda’s invitation to share our individual strategies and experience surrounding our children’s use of phones. Here is what I had to say…
“This is such an important conversation and I feel comfortable sharing here, as you've been so clear on your stance that it is important not to judge or shame other parents for their choices. 👍
My 14-year-old has had a phone since she was 12... mostly because she was walking to school at that stage (not far and with friends) and it felt like the right time for her, as a very sensible child. We have a family sharing app called "Family Links" where we can limit her time on certain apps and time on the phone overall. We also have an 8pm rule where the phone goes off (managed on the app) and gets charged outside her room. She has a daily limit of 4 hours (which seems like a lot, but she hardly ever uses it all). No phones at the dinner table and we ask her to join us every weekday evening for an hour, so we can spend time with her and have conversations that need to be had then, rather than at bedtime!
This seems to work well for us and gives our daughter enough feeling of independence and autonomy, which makes her less argumentative and more co-operative overall. She is in complete control of when she does her homework, so long as it is done before bedtime and she is getting good grades and reports from school. She knows that if any of this slides, she will lose some of the freedom that she has. This seems to be enough to motivate her to be responsible and continue to do well at school.
She has no social media accounts (apart from Tik-Tok, which we really regret) and we have made it clear that we won't even discuss changing this until she is at least 16 and we have explained our reasons why. We have had open conversations around keeping safe online and how it does not matter one bit what anyone else is doing, we are her parents and it is completely our choice to manage this minefield as we see fit. Also, that ultimately, we are doing what we're doing to keep her safe and/or protect her developing mind from an unnecessary bombardment of addictive mind-numbing content.
I strongly agree that each individual family has a right to make a choice that works for them and it irritates me when people try to encourage a blanket rule amongst groups of children (i.e. a year group). I think that the emphasis should ALWAYS be on educating parents and children around safety online, rather than banning phones until a certain age, etc... No matter how much you think you're protecting your children by completely banning something, they will source it out elsewhere (through friends) and then those important conversations will not have been had and they could then not be safe.
As I mentioned briefly earlier, our only regret is allowing Tik-Tok so early. However, we have managed this by limiting the app to 20 minutes a day and she has a private account, so only her friends in real life can see her content. Other people may be comfortable with social media earlier and this is fine too - my only comment would be that they are rated 18 for a reason and I would hope that conversations were being had also. Each to their own - Live and let live as they say.” 😊
Q. Do you agree with my response, or do you have a different view? I would love to know what your experience with your kids is and the rules/strategies you have in your home? Jump in the comments and let me know if you like.
And Finally – Supportive Parenting
I mentioned briefly in my comments above about the importance of allowing children the freedom to explore and learn about the dangers of being online, rather than enforcing an out-right ban. If you would like to read more about this Dr. Emily Edlynn has written a fantastic book called Autonomy – Supportive Parenting, where she explains that “our culture is feeding controlling impulses in parents, which is leading to intensive and controlling parenting”
Dr. Edlynn highlights the importance of nurturing three fundamental human needs in our children. I have listed a short summary of these below.
Autonomy – Knowing who I am and having the freedom to be myself Competence – Mastery, I have skills, I know what I’m doing, I can be independent Relatedness – Connection with others, belonging, in loving caring relationships
Emily talks about the benefits of supportive parenting, such as building our children’s confidence in their own skills and coping strategies, instilling our belief and trust in them and thus showing unconditional love and true acceptance of who our child is as a person. This can help to “Lower the risk of mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression”
Whereas with controlling parenting we are at risk of shaping them in our own image, instilling shame and guilt and undermining our child’s own independence. By trying to rescue them from stress and destress or “save” them from emotional pain, we are actually taking away their chance to learn and develop those vital skills for themselves – with our guidance and support of-course.
“We feel like we’re protecting our children from pain, but we’re actually robbing them from the opportunity to develop their own skills and confidence in handling the world and discovering who they are”
If you would like to listen to Dr. Emily Edlynn talk about this in more detail, you can do so in this YouTube video HERE.
So, that’s it for now – don’t forget to like, comment and share – it means such a lot to me!